Castiel's Thirteen Reasons Why
by ashes2roses
Summary: Castiel killed himself two weeks ago. Dean doesn't know why, not until he goes into his room and finds a shoebox on his bed. Inside are seven cassette tapes, and when Dean presses play, he hears Castiel's voice telling him that he's responsible for the angel's death.
1. Prologue

Disclaimer: I do not own Supernatural or 13 Reasons Why.

Two weeks.

It had been two weeks since Castiel took an angel blade to his throat and ended his own life. And for Dean Winchester, it had been the most painful two weeks of his life.

He still didn't understand why Cas had done it. When he found the angel's body, in Dean's own yard with scorched wing marks on the ground, Dean originally thought Cas had been attacked and didn't win. Then he saw the note.

 _I'm sorry, Dean._

He could almost hear Castiel's voice ringing through his head every time he read that note. And he read it and reread him several times a day, searching for something, _anything,_ to explain why Cas did this. As if he expected new words to appear each time he unfolded the note.

 _I'm sorry, Dean._ You're sorry, but you haven't explained why.

Dean swallowed the last of his beer before heading to his room to turn in for the night. Sam had gone to bed an hour ago. His brother had been acting weird all week. Dean wasn't entirely sure what his problem was, but Sam jumped and took on an expression like that of a deer caught in headlights every time Dean mentioned Cas.

Dean walked into his room and closed the door. He was about to turn out the light when he noticed a package sitting on his bed.

It was a shoebox. He opened it cautiously, and inside he found seven cassette tapes. Six of them had a number drawn on each side in blue Sharpie. The last one had a number 13 drawn on one side, with the other side blank.

"What the hell?" he muttered to himself.

He figured Sam must have left them, although he couldn't figure out why. Curiously, Dean took the first tape out, the one with the drawn numbers of 1 and 2.

Dean didn't have a cassette player in his room, but there was one in his car. He dropped the cassette back in the box. He was curious about what these were. Very curious. He picked up the box and headed outside to his car.

He left his door open as he climbed in and turned on the engine. He opened the shoebox and once again pulled out the first tape. He slid it in and waited for it to start playing.

Nothing could have prepared him for what he heard next.


	2. Cassette One, Side A

**Play.**

 _Hello. Is this thing working? Testing, testing... okay, good._

Dean couldn't believe it. He never thought he'd hear this voice again.

 _It's me. Castiel._

I know, he thought. I'd know that voice anywhere.

 _I'm sure you thought you'd seen the last of me. Well, I'm not quite done yet._

 _I got this idea from a book. There are two rules. One, you listen, and two, you pass it on. If you don't, there is a second set of tapes that will end up playing on loop in heaven, hell, and in the hearing range of every hunter. I'm sure you don't want me to air your dirty laundry out to the world._

What the hell is this, Cas? Some kind of twisted suicide note?

 _Oh. My bad. There are three rules. Rule three is you can't talk about these tapes to anyone except the other people who have received them. But I imagine that won't be too hard for you, especially after what you're about to hear._

 _When you're finished listening to the tapes, leave them on Mary Winchester's grave in Lawrence, Kansas. There, an unknown-to you, anyway- third party will collect them and drop them off at the next person's residence. After you get the tapes, you will have exactly 48 hours to drop them off at the cemetery. And if you don't...well, you'll know what will happen._

Dean remembered Cas asking him how to record on cassette tapes just a month before he died. He never imagined that this is what Cas wanted to do with the tapes.

 _Now some of you are dead at the time I'm recording this. Don't worry, you will still get the tapes, and I won't reveal anything that happens to you in the future. Don't try to change the future, please. We all know that never ends well._

 _Now, sit back. Try to relax. If you're listening to these tapes, you are one of the reasons why I'm dead._

What? No!

 _So, listen carefully._

 _Let me tell you my story. Let me tell you everything._

 **Pause.**

Dean needed a minute to wrap his head around this.

Castiel was dead. But before he died, he recorded a series of cassette tapes. And for some reason, he was blaming Dean for his death.

What did Dean do to make Cas feel this way?

Dean took a deep breath. There was only one way to find out.

 **Play.**

 _Now, who's first? That would be you, Mr. Singer._

Bobby? What did Bobby have to do with this? What did Bobby ever do to Cas? He thought Cas liked Bobby.

Then again, Dean thought Cas liked him, too.

 _Now, I know that since you're in heaven you can't exactly get to the cemetery. And that's fine. Just leave them on the other side of your escape hatch and from there they'll find their way to the next person._

Dean tried to swallow the lump in his throat. No good. It was still there.

 _Bobby, you are first on the tapes because, when I think back on it, you're the one who has done the least damage. So try to relax. Open a beer. It's not going to be too bad. Probably._

Dean could imagine Bobby in heaven, listening to this. He probably did have a beer. Dean was definitely going to need one.

 _So, why are you on here? I suppose I should stop procrastinating and get on with it._

Yes, Cas, please. I want to know what I did wrong.

Dean turned up the volume.

 _When we first met, you were trying to shoot me. No, that's not why you're here. I understand why. I just walked in, exploding lightbulbs. Dean had just come back from hell. You didn't know what I was, or who I was. I would've shot me, too._

 _I didn't have time for you. I put you to sleep. I am sorry about that, by the way. But you did try to kill me._

 _Perhaps I should have let you._

No, Cas. You shouldn't have.

 _Now, what you have to understand is that sometimes it is the smallest comments that can ruin a person's life. Well, not ruin per say. But words are poison. They can push someone over the edge. What is the saying you humans have? "Sticks and stones may break my bones but words can never hurt me"?_

Dean remembered that rhyme. He'd always hated it.

 _That's not true. Words can hurt. A lot._

 _So what is it that you said that hurt me?_

 _You were in the hospital, newly handicapped, stuck in a wheelchair for what would've been the rest of your life. I can only imagine how you must have felt. It couldn't have been easy for you. So many years of hunting, and now you were confined in a chair, unable to do anything but watch as your friends died. I can understand why you were so bitter._

 _It still doesn't make your words hurt any less._

 _As for me, I had just come back from the dead for the very first time. Raphael had killed me. I had also just rebelled. I had fallen from grace. My powers were restricted._

 _So, we have the setting. I entered your room, talking to Sam and Dean. And you interrupted us._

Dean remembered when this happened.

 _"Enough foreplay," you said. "Get over here and lay your damn hands on."_

 _For a moment, I was confused. I also didn't know what foreplay was. I do now._

 _"Get healing!" you snapped. "Now!"_

 _Now I understood. You wanted me to heal your legs. But I couldn't. As I said, my powers were restricted after being cut off from heaven. Unfortunately, that wasn't the answer you wanted to hear._

 _"You're telling me you lost your mojo just in time to get me stuck in this trap the rest of my life?" Your face twisted into an ugly expression. Was it anger? Rage? Frustration? Or simply annoyance? I'm still not sure, even after all these years._

Cas, he wasn't angry at you. He was just bitter. It wasn't your fault.

 _"I'm sorry," I said sincerely._

 _And I was, Bobby. Really and truly sorry. Sorry I couldn't be of more help._

 _Your response to my apology?_

 _"Shove it up your ass."_

Had Bobby's words really hurt Cas so much?

 _It may seem like such a little, minor thing, but I've already explained that it's the little things that hurt the worse. I wanted to help you, Bobby. But it was out of my power to do so._

Bobby understood that. They all understood that.

 _And why? Because I rebelled to save you. To save all of you. I sacrificed my home and family for you humans. But that didn't seem to matter to you._

That's not true. We were grateful, Cas, Dean thought. We knew what you had sacrificed. It mattered.

 _All you cared about was getting out of that chair, and if I couldn't help you, then I wasn't worth your time._

No! That isn't true!

 _Well, I won't be helping anyone now. Not ever again._

 **Stop.**

Dean needed a beer.


	3. Cassette One, Side B

Fifteen minutes later, Dean returned to the car with a six pack of beer. He had a feeling he would need them.

Sam was still asleep. Thank God. He didn't think he could face his brother right now.

Dean slid into the car and popped the cap on a bottle of beer. He took a long swig before setting it down in the cup holser.

He took a deep breath. Just like a bandaid, he told himself. Best to just get it over with.

He hit eject, flipped the tape over, then slid it back in.

 **Play.**

 _Hello again._ _Thanks for sticking around for part 2. Not that you have much choice. I am holding that second set of tapes over your head._

Was there really a second set of tapes, or was Cas just bluffing to make sure they played along with his sick little game? Cas had never been a good liar, so Dean found it hard to believe that the angel was lying about this.

 _So, the last tape we learned an important lesson, didn't we, Bobby? Words hurt. They hurt worse than sticks and stones. Now, this time, we're going to learn about the consequences of jumping to conclusions._

 _Ready, Sam?_

Oh, God.

 _I'll be the first to admit that I wasn't very fair to you when we first met, Sam. Back then, all you were to me was the boy with the demon blood. Lucifer's vessel. Abomination. The angels had so many different names for you, Sam. None of them were good._

Yeah, Cas, you really were a dick back then. All high and mighty and straight faced.

 _It took me a long time to see past all that._

Sam was the religious one. He prayed. He believed in angels. But the first time he met one, the angel insulted him. Good going, Cas.

 _I'm sorry for how I treated you, Sam. I really am. As I told you once before, the only one who's screwed things up more consistantly than you is me._

 _But this tape isn't about that. It's about you, and what happens when you jump to conclusions._

 _As you all know, I raised Dean from perdition. But he's not the only one. Almost two years later, I raised his brother as well._

 _I didn't tell anyone. I didn't want any gratitude or glory. Sam was my friend. And I wasn't going to let my friend rot in hell, with only Michael and Lucifer for company._

Dean bit his lip. What did this have to do with Castiel's suicide?

 _But I didn't do the job right, did I? I messed up. I recovered his body, but his soul...your soul, Sam...I accidentally left it behind._

 _Y_ _es, you heard me right. It was an accident. But you didn't think it was, did you, Sam? What was it you said again?_

Stop, Cas. Just stop. Leave Sam alone.

 _Oh yeah, I remember._

 _"Did you bring me back without a soul on purpose?"_

God.

 _You have no idea how much those words hurt me, Sam._

Castiel's voice shook with-with what? Was it anger or tears?

 _I raised you from perdition. You know, I could've left your sorry ass in the cage! I know I messed up, but a little gratitude would be nice._

Now he knew why Sam had been acting so weird. It couldn't have been easy for him to hear these tapes. And if Dean knew his brother, he knew Sam was probably drowning in guilt.

 _Here's something for you to consider. If I had never raised your body, would Death still have raised your soul?_

No.

 _No. He wouldn't have. You would still be in the cage._

 _And you wonder why I broke your wall._

 **Stop.**


	4. Cassette Two, Side A

Dean took another swig of beer as he put in the second tape. How much longer was he going to have to wait before they got to his tape? Was this his tape? Was this the one that would tell him how he ever wronged Cas?

Only one way to find out.

 **Play.**

 _Meg, I'm not entirely sure why you're here._

Meg? Come on! Seriously, Cas?

Dean shook his head and thought, You put that demon bitch before me?

 _Out of everyone on my list, you've never really wronged me in the same hurtful way others have done._

She never cared for you, Castiel. Not really.

 _But you have still hurt my feelings several times, and so this tape was born._

 _You took care of me when I was in the hospital. When I was crazy, suffering from hallucinations, you were patient. You were there for me when even my closest friends had abandoned me._

Dean felt a sting of pain and guilt at the reminder of the time he let Castiel down when he most needed his friends.

Then again, Cas had let them down, too.

 _But you had ulterior motives, didn't you, Meg?_

Of course she did, Dean thought. She's a demon. They always have ulterior motives.

 _You chose to stay by my bedside for your own protection. An angel, even an insane one, as your own personal bodyguard. You didn't do it out of any real loyalty to me. You just did what served your best interests._

Damn right.

 _Why, Meg? I loved you. I still love you._

Why did that comment make Dean's heart twist in pain? What did he care if Castiel was in love with Meg? It wasn't like either of them made an effort to hide their feelings.

 _And I thought you loved me, too._

She did, Cas. Just not as much as you loved her. Even Dean couldn't deny that the demon did have some feelings for the angel.

 _You were my first kiss. My caretaker. My demon. And I was your unicorn. I think we really could have had something._

Please spare me the chick flick moments, Dean thought. I might get sick from the overload of sugary sweetness.

 _But, I got lost in my feelings, and now I realize that you didn't really love me. You just loved the protection I gave you._

 _So, what is the point of this tape? I'm not sure. A pathetic love note from a suicidal angel?_

Sure sounds like it.

 _No. This is to say thank you, Meg. Thank you for staying with me when no one else would. Thank you for making me feel loved, even if you didn't mean it. And thank you for breaking my heart. Thank you for reminding me that I'm nothing more than a tool to be used._

You were never a tool, Cas. How could you think that?

 _Sincerely, Clarence._

 **Stop.**


	5. Cassette Two, Side B

**Play.**

 _Betrayal. It's a harsh word. The worst feeling in the world is finding out that someone you trusted has betrayed you._

Dean swallowed. Was this his tape? He could think of plenty of times he had betrayed Cas.

 _That's our next lesson. You're going to find out what betrayal does to a person._

 _This tape is about someone I trusted, someone I love. A dear friend. My own brother. Balthazar._

Dean let out a shaky breath. It wasn't him. But then, when would his name pop up?

 _You're dead at the time I'm recording this. I've arranged for this tape to come into your hands 24 hours before your death.That'll give you plenty of time to listen to all 13 tapes. And you'll already know what it is you did._

How did Cas arrange for the tapes to constantly go back and forward through time? He had to have another angel helping him. But who? They couldn't time travel without wings, could they?

 _So what did you do? You betrayed me. You sold me out. You gave my location to Sam and Dean, knowing they would stop me from doing what had to be done. I trusted you!_

Balthazar did the right thing by turning you over. You had to be stopped. How can you still think you did the right thing?

 _And I killed you for it._

 _Don't think you can avoid your death either. My contact will erase your memory as soon as you deliver the tapes. You won't remember until a second before I kill you._

God, Cas.

 _I know now that opening purgatory was a stupid move._

Damn right.

 _But it doesn't change the fact that you betrayed my trust._

 _So thank you, Balthazar, for teaching me not to put my trust in anyone. Not even my own family._

 **Stop.**


End file.
